I am now officially unemployed…. boo hoo hoo!!! Its the first time since I was 16 that I have not had a paying job. Of course I say unemployed lightly… I do of course have the hardest full time job that I will never quit and that is bringing up 2 beautiful girls keeping them clean, fed, and watered. Oh of course the same applies to my amazing husband who needs just as much looking after!!! I think I do a pretty good job…they make me proud every day.
I made the hard decision to give up nursing…for now, forever who knows. A career that I love and that came with a lot of pride and gratitude… but with a job like that comes a lot of emotions and I was starting to lose a little piece of me with every sad story I could tell….I was not myself anymore and had very little confidence and self belief that I could be.
Sometimes in life it’s really shit. I mean really really shit and it’s ok to admit your not ok! Life events can knock you down and it’s bloody hard trying to get back up. It has been a really hard 9 months and I was not ok. On the outside I may have been this smiley person who seemed to have no troubles in the world but behind that smile and that “I’m ok” was someone desperate for something to go right… for the ones I love so much to not have to go through all this heartache and pain. I was suffering with anxiety and something had to change. I say “was”… I still am. I’m quite sure it will always be a part of me now and has probably always been there. Things have a habit of manifesting themselves when times are hard. Simple things you used to find easy take so much more thinking (worrying) and not everyone can appreciate or understand how it can take control of a person…but I am working on these things and I won’t let it beat me. My attitude towards things I fear are put that brave smile on, hold my head high and get it done. It is never as bad as you fear and one thing anxiety can not take from me is my will for it to not rule my world!!! Hopefully to the outside world I can continue to appear confident…I would rather use all my energy trying than have it taken away from me…
…In my heart I will always be a nurse just a retired one for now. I have made the best friends through my job and I will miss them all so so much.
I have found myself having to make excuses for why and what I’m doing now but I have now had time to practice what I say when people ask… I am a mum! And I will say it with pride. The most valued job I have ever had. The one that gets me out of bed every day. I know there are many people out there who have said they would love to be in a position to be a stay at home mum… I for one have always wanted it. But do you know what I would swap in a heartbeat if it meant I could have the life back that I had this time last year. Some of you may think that this is anxiety winning…but it isn’t this is me taking control of my life and not regretting a second of it. I am very lucky to have a husband who believes in me enough to give me the time to do this. Yes living off one income is going to be hard but people manage. You just have to adapt life accordingly!!
Blogging is my way of helping others, a way of building my confidence back. It has been far more time consuming than I ever imagined but with all the time I have on my hands lately it seems a better alternative than spending my days curled up on the sofa. Something I could very easily be doing. I find it motivates me as well. There is nothing like an audience to stop you from making life choices you know you will regret. Ultimately I would love to help others to become healthier and happier in the process.
I have even put myself forward for some volunteering to help in some support groups that help families and adults with nutrition and fitness… for me this will have so many benefits. It will keep me out there in the world of work even if it is unpaid so that I still feel I’m giving something back. It will give me experience and confidence in what I love doing and help me to network with others and most of all I hope it gives me the confidence to set up something local to me as there is currently nothing I can find for families in our area. I’m very much looking forward to it.
Here is to a better year ahead than the one I leave behind. Here is to the next chapter of my book. And everyone loves a happy ending which is how I intend mine to be.
Lots of love and happiness
P.S photo credit to my good friend Karen for taking the only picture I’ve not cringed at lol!!! Xx